Worst night ever. It don’t stop all the voices. I try to stay calm. I have plans. I need to stay calm now.
What is left when cutting is turning into something very boring because there is no satisfaction anymore? What when I feel so much nothing? I can’t feel it anymore. I could stab my legs again but I don’t want to get into any more trouble so I only try to only cut the small wounds that mother can’t see so much and I don’t need to have stitches for them. I try to find something beautiful in cutting. I search in my old photos. I made photos of cutting. But it doesn’t satisfy me. What’s left now? I know what’s left but I won’t pronounce that word. I try not to think about it. I wish I could stop. But all I wish is I must never return into this life again! I only want to fall asleep and never wake up again! I’m beyond the mental state I have been in when I tried to hang myself on the fucking attic and failed. I know now I could do it. I know it. I know I have one strength to keep control over me and stay me and do it. Finally do it! I know when I am ready I can do it! That is all that keeps me here now. I can do it. I can really do it. And I stay myself and make this all end. Who wouldn’t do it in my situation? You know all nothing! Do you know how it feels? To have a life like me? I don’t remember for how long I not existed. I left my only friend alone. She must hate me. I can never be there for anyone. There is too many other in me. It hurts to exist and feel nothing. That hurts so deep inside. But even that don’t make me feel like real. I want this to end. I don’t want this. I don’t want these voices. I don’t want Ophelia in me. I have no right to breathe. I don’t want to see mother or Hannah or Björn anymore. I don’t want to! I want to see nothing but black and emptiness and finally feel nothing without the longing to feel anything! Only shut up and one last strong pain and then shut up forever. Silence forever. Blackness. I want to choke because I have no right to breathe. Björn always choked me. He knows I have no right to breathe. I wish he choked me to death the last time. He will never stop abusing me. I will never stop letting him abuse me when I don’t make the final decision.
